My Darkness

A short story by Anggi Nugraha

The darkness is a beauty. Darkness is a mercy. Darkness is a honesty. In the darkness I find happiness. A good deal of dictions are very meaningful as in the darkness. Like the night, full of the starts or not, it doesn’t matter to define what the “Love” is. The soughs of the wind, chirping crickets are always make my heart peace. Tear down the loneliness. Because I realize, to embrace you is improbability.

Since past, this park is always the best place to spend the night. It seems I’ve been customized by this situation. Waiting for you, who would never come. Or refilled the glass with the coffee for the second time, and then I hoped, would come the news from you. Whereas the shortest text, I think more significant than the day, that the sunlight always waited by billion of leaves in this world, not me.

Somehow, since I know you, I really hate bright. Daytime only a period, therefore the rotation of life is happen. If allowed, I’ll ask God to give us the night twenty four hours. Because for me, daytime is cruelty. Getting you along with her is a disappointment. Maybe, wearing sunglasses which you bought for me, when you visited Paris with her, is the best way. For what? Just to make my sight dark, from you are. Force the bright become a dark. Yet, loving you is accepting everything. Loving you is making sense anything.

And I sipped again that coffee. Then, straight away my mobile was vibrating. That’s from you. “Forgive me, tonight I can’t go there. Love you!” you said. That was not the first for recently. But I think, I’m never weary by your reasons. Who knows, too difficult no you are in my heart Bram. You are the reason of my smile. You are the greatest star ever. Your existence drowns the other stars. Even the dark is mine, worthy that I feel warm, because of you.

If only I could, I want to leave you. Release your shadow away that certainly will be disappeared by the visibility. Likewise consent forever your togetherness. Your wedding date was not the trivial thing to let our position as usual. But, too weak I was in letting you go, Bram. And too selfish you were who couldn’t chose me or her. Even in the bright you’re in hers, the time that has framed this second world, has been merged in your heart. And you, unable to leave me alone. Leave our dark world.

I’ve ever asked you “Shall I get you fully one day?” Hope the destiny surrendered by our efforts. Yet, you’re two week left marriage date clarified all, that let this flow is the best way. Even a good thing is not always wise.

I know yesterday night you were along with her. Bought many things for the wedding. And at the office as midday, the shinning face stared to me deeply. She squeezed my right hand up. She pointed my eyes to hers, even reluctantly I forced myself. Slowly her lips began to say. “Naia, tonight Bram will take me fit the wedding dress, two week left to the wedding” She said. She hugged me tight. Her heartbeat destroyed mine. Gently, her tears fell down wet my shoulder. I stroked her hair and then remarked. “Congratulations dear!”

There, certainly you were looking for the reason “honey..Toilet first ok !”. That’s you are. Since a long time ago many ways the human bunch the lie. But at least your great love still reminded me. Even impossible to be balance, and equal never, let the coffee complete them. The bitter taught me to always smile. A meaningful smile, as you read the message that always deleted by you after that. Sure.

All at once, I reminded to the one day. If only the time could be repeated, explicitly I would tell you “love Githa whole heartedly please! She is my mate”. Unfortunately, you are as good as persuade me, and I was too weak to refuse. Since then I feel so guilty. I’m the cruelest person in the world. A mate will never kill. My head full of that thing. By and by unusual become usual. We deserve the Oscar. You and I, always succeed play the roles. And Githa, always claim herself as the luckiest girl. Finally, she is the real lucky girl.

Behind the scene, you always come to pick me up with different cars. We often spend the night together in this park. Occasionally, the sissies sang for us. Unbelievable, you put the money in to their bras. You are crazy Bram. Really crazy. Then we laughed loudly, in a line with the old night. And, just we were in there. You’ve ever asked me like this “Let’s go home! Don’t you afraid?” But I answered. “No”. “Why?” you asked. “I’m afraid of daylight” I remarked. Gently, you reached and hugged me warm. You held my fingers tight. And again you said slowly “be calm, I’m here”.

And that night, over and over I went alone. For our special rare date of course. Even doubted, and certainly you’ll forget it, the windy night and the cricket’s melody made my seat so lovely. And I tried bravely to put 5000 rupiahs into his bra, touched a flat breast of a man with woman’s spirit. Because you were no there. And I still could laugh getting him swayed his steps and remarked “I know why you are alone here, of course your man is getting affair..right?” ha ha ha..modern man,,always like that,,I’m feel lucky,,because I’m a man. Oh no no,,!! Woman.”

Sometimes, to the pansies I feel so envy. They live in two worlds happily. In the night they are women. In the daylight, sure gentlemen. The pansies have the anomaly identity but they never lie themselves. Unlike me, deceive other also myself. Cannot make a peace with my feeling weak. To you, especially Githa my lovely mate.

The night became older. A little people left there. Only the insect’s sound more loudly stabbed my soul. And the sky was gloomier. Sometimes flashes lit the night up. It’s going to rain soon. Yet I still stayed there. What kind of rain, would never go. From far away, the car’s sound heard very quickly. Stopped across the street. I know well that car. At last you come Bram. I thought. The rain came down in torrents quickly. The pouring rain.

From the bench I waited you. But, what a surprised. You were not alone. A girl ran to me briskly. And I saw you came after her. I surrendered. Whatever would be? Let it be!

“You ...!! Is it a friendship?” said that girl to me. I kept my silent well. I didn’t know what I must do. She cried from her voice.

“Wait honey, let me clear this!” Bram said.

“Quit enough!! Marry her! Asked the girl.

The rain was heavier, and made me more in silent. Really want to chase you and knees to yours. But you leaved me away. She ran quickly. And Bram chased you enthusiastically. I surrendered, perhaps that was the time. I cried in the pouring rain and I saw they faded away. The darkness taught me many things, but the rain realized me for one thing. One thing that I’ve never get. Like that night, when I saw you chased her, not me.

The End.